Live standup Hard to stop masturbating
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stand up bit about the trouble of quitting
Published by shydumbguyhb
Video Transcription
I know it's hard to quit smoking and I feel for you smokers, but it's nothing compared to the pain and struggle of quitting masturbating.
I mean, sure, you can stop for a little while, but after a week, you start remembering shows and the rumors that if you don't do it, you'll get prostate cancer.
And one day you'll wake up with cancer, and when people ask how you got it, you say, "Well, I quit masturbating a while back."
So you start up again for health reasons, and even if you get past the urban legend, you start thinking, "But how will I tell my story?"
I can't tell people I stopped masturbating to prove that it won't get me prostate cancer.
Yeah, lots of you probably stop when you get a girlfriend.
"Look at me. I'm a nerd, and when I'm not trying to make people laugh, I'm watching TV or writing science fiction while watching porn."
But say I did get a girlfriend, and she's awesome, and we go out for a while, then get married, then we watch some late-night doctor show, and they talk about men finding it hard to masturbate, and she turns to me.
"Do you do that?" And I say, "I used to, but when I met you, I gave it up."
It's like I've some kind of habit. And then she's like, "Because you thought I'd be your hand from now on."
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